Why Am I Addicted?
Addiction gets a bad wrap these days. Those who struggle with addiction are often treated as outsiders, lesser than those who look like they have their lives together. And while the persecution of the addict today is not as severe as in yesteryear, there is still a stigma around the addiction community. But why is this? Doesn’t everyone struggle with addiction?
I can hear the religious community and those in the social upper crust complaining now … “I am not like them!” I beg to differ. We all struggle with something. Why is this statement true? Because we live in a broken world. We were raised by broken parents who wounded us and caused us to seek unhealthy means to cope with life. We were abused in our innocence by the people we trusted to care for us and keep us safe. These unhealthy coping mechanisms can be legal or illegal, acceptable or unacceptable. The woman who struggles with alcohol is no different than the man who struggles with sex or the teenager who struggles with acceptance. But it is not just our parents’ or abusers’ fault. We traumatized ourselves by the choices we make. We come to believe that we are not good enough because we struggle to be the idealized version of ourselves we believe we should be. We are all addicts, who have been wounded and wound others. If you doubt this truth, just talk to the people you live with. If they are honest with you, they will tell you how broken you really are.
I do not sit on a soap box preaching this theme to others — I own it myself. I am broken. I struggle every day. I know that I run to distractions, bad habits, addictions and idols to soothe the pain of a wounded heart. While I did not cause these wounds, I have learned broken ways to medicate them. There is no one to blame … no one to shame. The only path forward is to tell the truth about how I got here and walk back these harms with truth, patience and intentionality. I have had to have hard conversations with both of my parents, telling them the truth about how they emotionally abused me. My parents did not mean to hurt me … they did the best they could. But they wounded me all the same. I did not understand these wounds in my youth. That was just how life was. But as I grew older and experienced more and more dissociation, I had to face the reality. There were underlying reasons beneath my unwanted behavior. I had to ask myself, “Why am I addicted?”
Asking “Why?” is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It meant digging through the discomfort of childhood trauma. There was the work of exposing these wounds to the light in the presence of others who care. Then I had to sit with the things I saw, embracing their discomfort and finding a way to love myself in spite of my self-contempt. In the mist of my abhorrent behaviors, I was able to find something to love. Not to excuse the unhealthy habits, but to become curious about them, and after time, allowing them to pass away like the unnecessary habits of a forlorn youth. As an addict, I was not ‘bad’ for trying to sooth my wounds, only mistaken. I knew no other way to care for myself than to indulge my addiction. But as I have walked my journey of recovery, I have learned to love myself anew. I can now care for both the wounded little boy and jaded teenage addict. They are both me — and they both need to be freed. By sitting with the question, “Why am I addicted?” I can embrace both my brokenness and love myself into the freedom the lay ahead.
Loving ourselves through the process of owning our story is the bravest thing we’ll ever do.
Brene’ Brown
A New Day for Recovery
Wearing the label ‘Addict’ is not something anyone aspires to. We have hopefully come to the place where were we realize there is something wrong with us that needs to be addressed. We have to name it something. Yet there are many in recovery, who prefer to use other terms, like ‘I struggle with an intimacy disorder’ or ‘I have a porn problem.’ Whatever your flavor of unwanted behavior, I would like to propose to you that we live in the perfect time to find healing in it.
Think of how this time has been orchestrated for those seeking Recovery:
1) The 12-Step Movement is fully mature and has an established track record for helping broken people heal from their addictions. Some have called this movement America’s 20th Century contribution to the gospel. This bold effort to reach the addicted during a time of religious shame has paved the way for the recovery work we can do today.
2) Brain science is developing at an extraordinary rate, helping us to understand how our mind plays a role in our addictive behavior. This research is also giving us concrete ways to change our behavior through neurotherapy and other cognitive treatments.
3) The therapeutic world is engaged and growing. Leaders like Dan Allender, Brene Brown and others are making this an opportune time to look deeply in the drivers behind addictive behavior. With these passionate people seeking to care for the emotionally broken, there is an even greater opportunity to find healing in our addictions.
4) There is a growing understanding of addiction in the church and in the culture. Many are coming to view addicts with compassion rather than judgment. Churches are reaching out to the emotionally broken by hosting support groups and enabling their members to get treatment.
5) We have never lived in a time with more resources for recovery. An addict can learn from hundreds of books, recovery ministries and podcasts as he seeks to be healed from his addiction. For the man who desire to heal and grow, the helps are there. He only needs to reach out and make use of them.
6) The culture we live in is splintered and arbitrary. While the messages we hear in the world today may seem confusing, those of us who know and have experienced healing have the opportunity to tell our story of recovery. There is not a more honest and real presentation of love than being healed from an addiction. This healing cannot come through effort or intelligence — it is a gift of surrender and grace. We can be the heralds of this way.
Why do I spend this time to spell out the benefits of being an addict today? Mostly to be grateful for what God has provided. When the Bible speaks about our blessings it says, “Great gifts mean great responsibilities.” (Luke 12:48 MSG) We have the opportunity to make use of all of these tools and circumstances to find healing in our own lives and to create a culture for others to heal as well. What great wisdom we have in this season to walk boldly in to our recovery each day. Let’s trust that as we surrender, change and healing are possible!
The Journey toward Recovery
If you are reading this, there is a great chance that you already have or are considering this journey we call recovery. We arrive at different times in our lives and under different circumstances, but we are here. But what does the recovery journey look like?
There are many people who have written on the question, “What is Recovery?” Very simply, recovery is a journey away from addiction and toward healing. There are many highways people take on their journey, whether it be support groups, individual therapy, intensives, rehab, or just self-guided methods. Whatever your process, there are typically several themes that these methods have in common. Here are the three values I feel are most effective as we seek to recover from our brokenness which is rooted the past:
Community - The first place I found a safe and accepting group of men was during a men’s retreat in April 2012. I grew up the church and learned well how to play the religious game. On the outside I was a saint, but in my soul, I was deeply ashamed of my sin. There was no safe place to take this shame, until my experience with this men’s recovery community. The freedom that I found there to be myself, without fear of shame or rejection, was exhilarating. (I hope all of you have had that experience also.) After that retreat I thought I was healed — but that was just a feeling. What I missed in that first experience that I have since learned is that connection is not only the place we get well, but the place we stay well. I am responsible for my own life, but I cannot live by myself. I need the fellowship of others help me own my journey. I have found this community in my weekly support group meetings and in connection with other safe and trusting friends. Without these healing relationships, I would have lost my way and abandoned my recovery. Thank God for safe people.
Vulnerability - Growing up in a broken home, I was desperate for people to see me. I would do or say almost anything to get the approval of others. (That included lying to make my life look more significant — a habit it took into adulthood at great cost.) And while I longed to be known, I was never truly vulnerable. Would I overshare? Yes. Was I needy? Of course. But the truth was that while I longed for others to know me, I did not know myself. My efforts to be seen were a coping mechanism for a deeper wound. I wanted to be loved, just for who I was. It was not until I learned the value of being vulnerable in a safe place that I truly experienced love. As I share my broken parts, sometimes in detail, with others who can see me and reflects grace back to me, a little part of that lonely boy is healed. This happens over and over again as I sit with my friends on my recovery journey. And the more vulnerable I am, the more strength I have to walk the path.
Structure - I love to fly by the seat of pants. Things just seem more fun that way. I know there are many who are terrified by that idea. But that’s how I roll. And that’s also how I struggle. Without structure in my life, I am prone to rationalizing my behavior, falling into destructive habits and overall wasting my time. I thought that getting a fulfilling job, or getting married, would give me the structure I needed stop addictive behaviors, but I was wrong. Not that things aren’t helpful in some way. But they are only helpful after I establish healthy structures in my personal life. A wise friend shared with me about the structures his sponsor encouraged him to begin as he sought to walk his recovery journey. Keep a hour-by-hour schedule, vigorous exercise, self-reflection through journaling, daily connecting, were all healthy habits he began when he got serious about healing. I know in my efforts to ‘fix myself’ I never developed structures like that in my personal life. I am finding them so helpful now, as I continue to learn why I want to act out. But by embracing these daily disciplines, I can continue to know myself in the journey of my recovery.
A final note on sobriety (a topic of discussion I hope you have had with trusted friends) — it is impossible to maintain sobriety without doing our recovery work . Sure, you can ‘white knuckle’ your sobriety for a while, but the underlying habits and beliefs that lead to your addictive behavior are still there. Recovery takes time! There is a reason why we act out, and it is often rooted in the wounds of our past. Without walking intentionally in to the harm that cause our addiction, the old demons that lead to your struggle will inevitably return. We need a new way of living, a way of grace and truth, in order to heal. I pray you will continue to walk with us.